It's not easy for me to articulate this.....

...even to myself but I have such a heavy feeling in my chest, I need to write it out...

The Black Eyed Peas was the one concert I was so looking forward for and last night finally, after months of endless waiting and blasting out all BEP CD's every chance I got, we made our way to the concert.

We were not alone, we went with our neighbours - I think it would not be too arrogant for me to say amongst the four of us, I was the most fluent with BEP's repertoire of phunk.

I didn't notice it at first....during the tram ride to the Arena, and while we were walking out of the tram and joining the throngs of people making their way to the entrance area - I was so excited that my ears felt hot - if that makes any sense at all:-)

Our seats were all in a row and we sat ourselves down in this order - my hubby, myself, neighbour wife, neighbour husband. The opening act was not on yet, so the men went to get some drinks and snacks - I had asked for water.

I sipped my water slowly because I knew drinking too much would make me run to the toilet to answer nature's calls a wee (pardon the pun) too often - pretty impractical when watching a concert. The rest had drained of their beer pretty quickly - I need to mention at this point that it was 36 degress Celsius outside and in the covered Arena - it was humid and uncomfortable - hence the speed at which they gulped down their beer. I offered my water to my husband who claimed that he was still thirsty and he took it. Nevertheless, he went and got another round of beer for all except me (I was pregnant so I couldn't consume beer anyway).

When that round was gulped down, neighbour husband asked everyone what would they like to drink - even me. I said I was fine for the moment.

Then when it was my hubby's turn to buy the drinks, he bought for everyone and just didn't ask me anymore what i wanted - I mean, not even out of courtesy. Then I noticed....

Neighbour couple was talking to one another easily and freely throughout the concert, my hubby was more concerned with his drink and said not a word to me. When he leaned over me to talk to our neighbours, he was jovial and full of jokes - it was like seeing a whole different person but back at his seat, he was sullen.

I knew that BEP wasn't really his thing....and I got the feeling that everytime I had jumped up from my seat and danced to a favourite song and sang along to the much loved lyrics, he looked - how shall I say it - irritated with me. Like I was a bit over the top from his point of view.

When he grudgingly got up with the rest to a popular song, he stayed in place... with his arms crossed, still nursing his beer in one hand. Neighbour couple had their arms around each other's waist and swaying together to the music.

Now I have tears in my eyes just walking through those moments again - no big deal at first glance but I felt embarassed that hubby showed no affection nor warmth towards me the entire time - and I am his wife. Sometimes, I got the distinct feeling that he would have much preferred to exchange seats with me so that he cán just carry along a conversation with our neighbours without having to go through me - he looked bored throughout.

If I asked him if anything was wrong, he was morose and sullen and said no nothing was wrong.

After the concert was over, I had to practically struggle to hold his hand as we all streamed out of the huge arena - he seemed reluctant to give his hand...when we piled into a taxi, I was seated away from him and then I saw him transform into a jovial, interesting person once again - talking easily with our neighbours....then I knew it, he preferred their company to mine.

Or worse, the neighbours' were worthy of his efforts to break out of his sullen mode which was especially reserved for me.

My sister once wrote in her blog about a married couple having dinner at a restaurant - only the man in this scenario was so bored and spent the whole time with his handphone or blackberry, leaving his wife in the cold. When some friends of the husband's dropped by, my sister explained how he became suddenly chatty and full of life - only to revert back to his sullen, I-am-so-bored-to-death-with-the-likes-of you look for his dearest wife.

Last night, at what was supposed to be the happiest event of my life for me was also a very painful, heartwrenching one. My hubby seems to detest the sight of me and i don't understand it, everyone else says that I look so good at this stage of my pregnancy - why does he still detests me?

I am down...with raging hormones and all, a bit tearful....but I will NOT be down for long..

one day soon, I will dish it back to this asshole....