It's not easy for me to articulate this.....

...even to myself but I have such a heavy feeling in my chest, I need to write it out...

The Black Eyed Peas was the one concert I was so looking forward for and last night finally, after months of endless waiting and blasting out all BEP CD's every chance I got, we made our way to the concert.

We were not alone, we went with our neighbours - I think it would not be too arrogant for me to say amongst the four of us, I was the most fluent with BEP's repertoire of phunk.

I didn't notice it at first....during the tram ride to the Arena, and while we were walking out of the tram and joining the throngs of people making their way to the entrance area - I was so excited that my ears felt hot - if that makes any sense at all:-)

Our seats were all in a row and we sat ourselves down in this order - my hubby, myself, neighbour wife, neighbour husband. The opening act was not on yet, so the men went to get some drinks and snacks - I had asked for water.

I sipped my water slowly because I knew drinking too much would make me run to the toilet to answer nature's calls a wee (pardon the pun) too often - pretty impractical when watching a concert. The rest had drained of their beer pretty quickly - I need to mention at this point that it was 36 degress Celsius outside and in the covered Arena - it was humid and uncomfortable - hence the speed at which they gulped down their beer. I offered my water to my husband who claimed that he was still thirsty and he took it. Nevertheless, he went and got another round of beer for all except me (I was pregnant so I couldn't consume beer anyway).

When that round was gulped down, neighbour husband asked everyone what would they like to drink - even me. I said I was fine for the moment.

Then when it was my hubby's turn to buy the drinks, he bought for everyone and just didn't ask me anymore what i wanted - I mean, not even out of courtesy. Then I noticed....

Neighbour couple was talking to one another easily and freely throughout the concert, my hubby was more concerned with his drink and said not a word to me. When he leaned over me to talk to our neighbours, he was jovial and full of jokes - it was like seeing a whole different person but back at his seat, he was sullen.

I knew that BEP wasn't really his thing....and I got the feeling that everytime I had jumped up from my seat and danced to a favourite song and sang along to the much loved lyrics, he looked - how shall I say it - irritated with me. Like I was a bit over the top from his point of view.

When he grudgingly got up with the rest to a popular song, he stayed in place... with his arms crossed, still nursing his beer in one hand. Neighbour couple had their arms around each other's waist and swaying together to the music.

Now I have tears in my eyes just walking through those moments again - no big deal at first glance but I felt embarassed that hubby showed no affection nor warmth towards me the entire time - and I am his wife. Sometimes, I got the distinct feeling that he would have much preferred to exchange seats with me so that he cán just carry along a conversation with our neighbours without having to go through me - he looked bored throughout.

If I asked him if anything was wrong, he was morose and sullen and said no nothing was wrong.

After the concert was over, I had to practically struggle to hold his hand as we all streamed out of the huge arena - he seemed reluctant to give his hand...when we piled into a taxi, I was seated away from him and then I saw him transform into a jovial, interesting person once again - talking easily with our neighbours....then I knew it, he preferred their company to mine.

Or worse, the neighbours' were worthy of his efforts to break out of his sullen mode which was especially reserved for me.

My sister once wrote in her blog about a married couple having dinner at a restaurant - only the man in this scenario was so bored and spent the whole time with his handphone or blackberry, leaving his wife in the cold. When some friends of the husband's dropped by, my sister explained how he became suddenly chatty and full of life - only to revert back to his sullen, I-am-so-bored-to-death-with-the-likes-of you look for his dearest wife.

Last night, at what was supposed to be the happiest event of my life for me was also a very painful, heartwrenching one. My hubby seems to detest the sight of me and i don't understand it, everyone else says that I look so good at this stage of my pregnancy - why does he still detests me?

I am down...with raging hormones and all, a bit tearful....but I will NOT be down for long..

one day soon, I will dish it back to this asshole....

When the tables are turned...

I have witnessed the ugly side of human nature in the last 24 hours. I have seen how my own sibling allow an outsider deride the family and even cheering her on.

The same outsider mind you that my own sibling has complained about, the same outsider who not too long ago had blatant disregard for my sibling's family commitments. And now, it is with the same outsider that my sister has chosen to stand side-by-side with.

What a traitor! Sanggup lagi against her own family. What has the world come to?

When admonished, my sibling now plays "I have been victimized" card. And better yet, when before there was no consideration on her part to reflect as to how God may view her actions and words, now God is now always on their lips (husband included). That God is not cruel. God will punish those who deserve it.

I see, baru sekarang nak ingat Tuhan ya? Before you judge others, take a good look at yourself first. When swearing on Papa's grave or on the Al Quran can be taken lightly by you, you still think it is on others that God's wrath will be inflicted upon?

God is All Knowing and God is Fair. Tahulah Dia siapa betul, siapa salah. I leave it to Him to decide the outcome.

To the outsider that my sibling has chosen to stand side by side against the family - remember..

...if you live in a glass house, don't throw stones...

Amazing....

It's amazing...the world of make believe that a creative liar can conjure up. When you write something to give yourself the assurance that you are just a good, decent person - a bit downtrodden on her luck- but good nevertheless.

What drives her to treat mama like a piece of scrap metal on one hand and justify her right to do so because she is not breaking any terms of contract? On the other hand, she is waxing lyrical about Forrest Gump's outlook on life - so upbeat, so optimistic?!!!

Forrest Gump loved his mother - and treated her with respect, unlike my sister, it must be said. I think now everyone knows what she is really like...

Isn't it funny Papa? The one that we protected the most ends up backstabbing the family that you have left behind and she is so proud of herself too.

I asked this question before - why does God let it pass? Why does Mama keep getting hurt and bruised in the process.

Please stop her God - I beseech you. No one should get hurt anymore..especially not Mama, Erin nor Ezane.

It´s enough

This trip back to Malaysia was the most painful by far. I have seen and felt and witnessed all sorts and manner of deception, lies and plain deceit. To top it all off, I have had my heart broken countless times when I witnessed and felt how both my nephew and niece have been neglected.

NEGLECTED - there is no other kinder word for it. To let the eldest son be pushed aside while his parents were struggling to sort out their problems is one thing but to let him go through it again and this time with the youngest daughter lumped in the same ship is quite atrocious and sickening to say the very least.

The mother blames her job which keeps spewing her forth on endless business trips but in the end, it had turned out that she chose to stay away because of clandestine pursuits. Her son hardly sees her, same for her daughter but she is so wrapped up in her own bubble love world that she dumps them with our mother practically the whole time.

Got news for you - seeing them once or twice a week and holding them and spouting i-love-you"s are not enough.!!!! Even when pointed out, she had cried tears of remorse and had promised to change - really? Two days max - and it's all back to the same old, same old.

Even reptiles show more care for their young...

And consider me - the one who had stood by her throughout - is the same person she had used to further deceive her family and unwittingly, had allowed her to further pursue her distractions.
I have read her blog - oh! so quiant and poetic and emotional - more motherly love cannot be read elsewhere - but it is all a big bucket of bullshit. She doesn't mean a word of it. As she herself had said "They are just written words" What was it she wanted to do at the time? Yield to her son's pleas to stop smoking...yeah...just words...

How do you view your children? As toys that you can keep in a drawer when you don´t feel like playing with them and take them out for a bit when you have the notion to suddenly be a mother - you selfish piece of wasted work?

I hate you - I really do - because of the pain you have caused them and from what I gather - continuing to inflict.

The best part of it all? This one ginseng selling company must be one helluva flexible outfit - first they had granted her 1 weeks notice and then, 2 weeks ...and when the 2 weeks' deadline fell through - her creativity has come forth and now, the story is - The ginseng selling company has not confirmed her resignation!!!

Can you beat that? I mean, I wished I had such a caring employer during my time...

What do you mean? It was all a bluff??!!! No - you don't say...!

Ah ja....when she did stop working, she would have to stay at Mama's house which will mean that she will have to be a mother full time. Horrors!!!! What about her free time to be a party single again, free to pursue great flying heights (with some kick ass Shakespeare wannabe thrown in)?

What is it about liars that think that the people they lie to are as dumb as logs?

When does God then come in? I mean, she can't be continuing this act without some sort of come-uppance, can she? Where is then the justice of it all?


I wonder though - how long more can you get away with it?

The movie...

Just watched "My Blueberry Nights" - and while I am not much impressed with Norah Jones' acting capabilities, it must be said that the chemistry between her and Jude Law's character is quietly sizzling. And the kissing scene at the end of the movie - quietly, flawlessly and yet, left me with such a longing that I too, would like to be kissed in exactly that same way.

Am usually not a fan of artistic movies - but this was an exception.

it used to be that a measure that my emotional bank is full is that I feel smug and contented when I watch a romantic scene on TV or in a movie or when I read such in a book because I can relate because I have what they have.... BUT

when I am confronted with such a scene and feel such a fierce yearning, it'ss a sure sad sign that my emotional bank is running on mere fumes.

I can shower my 4 year old son with hugs and kisses all over his chubby cheeks but it is simply not the same of course.

What a sad state of affairs....

Thots on nothing at all

Facebook used to be my favourite website to catch up on news and the do's and the whereabouts of my friends....used to be...

And now, whenever I log in, the home page is overloaded with quizzes and Farmville levels that some had reached - its a kind of game...very little on all else...It is a tad irritating, to be honest

Was at a bookstore today in Duesseldorf - Mayersche...I guess the closest thing to this in KL would be Kinokinuya (on an early Monday morning when you are the first to arrive at the store). Its four stories high and books, books, books all the way to the ceiling which is a characteristic of a bookstore but what sets this one apart from other bookstores is the floor to ceiling windows and comfortable chairs thoughtfully placed next to these windows where you can plop your selection of books and read your time away. When your eyes tire, you could just let it wander aimlessly outside and see the crowd of people on Königsallee bustling about and just sigh contentedly. A perfect way to spend the morning for me.

Weather turning colder and nippy. I am still rebelling by wearing sleeveless blouses and shorts - need to air my cellulite-ridden thighs from time to time of course but no doubt about it, all that wishful thinking will not stop the onslaught of autumn........but that's Germany for you.

that is..

11 months winter and 1 month summer and those who say that Germany has 4 seasons are living in complete denial....but subzero temperatures in March DO NOT spring make...

The winds that smell of cold

Fasting is difficult when the winds reek of cold and wet. They pierce the skin and clamp firmly on the bones - and slowly, they spread and mutate - turning you into a human iceberg from the INSIDE OUT..

Sorry for the dramatics, its just that fasting in Duesseldorf makes me crave water - WARM WATER...and lakes and lakes of it.

I was reading my sister's blog and it occured to me that her style of writing is damned good. Her vocabulary far surpasses my own. I guess this happens when once decides to answer the maternal call and be a stay-at-home mom. The brain gets fuzzy...your vocab gets more elementary....I came across some old faxes that I had written way back when I was a rat in the rat pack. I was stunned - Did I know all those words at the time? The flow of words, the precision, the clear intent....powerful stuff

I had meant to throw all my office stuff away but now I have decided to hold on to it. One day when I find people talking partonizingly to me or rustle my hair and say "Don't let your pretty head worry about things like that" - I will delve these old faxes, reports, financial figures and prove to myself "Thank God! I wasn't always stupid"

Maybe its just the thirst talking....just 8 hours more to go - a walk in the park...